David Hoppe

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:: Emails from Mike Pence

by David Hoppe

I keep getting these emails from Mike Pence.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining.

Here’s the latest. It’s titled, “Ready for a fight?”

Then it says, “Jim…”

My name’s not Jim, but that’s OK. Jim’s a nice name. I’m reminded of Jim Bowie — they named a knife after him. Jim Brown: possibly the greatest running back in the history of pro football. There was Jimmy Dean, who sang “Big Bad John” and sold sausages. Not to be confused with James Dean, the moody actor from Fairmount.

Anyway, my name’s not Jim. But Mike Pence thinking that’s my name doesn’t bother me. I mean, not being confused by facts is sooo Mike.

“I wanted to make sure you saw our email from earlier,” says Mike. Then in bold letters: You are a critical part of our campaign and I cannot stress enough how honored I am to work together with you.”

Wow. I know Mike’s been bragging about being a job creator, but that he wants to work with me/Jim? Needless to say, he had my/our attention.

At least until the next sentence, this one printed in blue, saying: “That’s why I hope you will make a contribution — of any amount — today.”

So this is what it means to “work together” with Mike. I pay him.

I must admit, this threw me for a moment. Had me wondering about that fight he was talking about.

I scrolled down and there it was, another email addressed to me/Jim, saying, “There’s no doubting it — 2016 is going to be a tough battle.”

But rather than seeming to come from Mike himself, this message referred to Mike in the third person, as in, “Mike is already the target of liberal plans to spend big to defeat him. Not to mention the outside special interest groups that are ready to pump major money into our state to undo all of our progress for Hoosiers.”

This, of course, invited, nay compelled, me to think about all of that progress we Hoosiers have been enjoying since Mike’s election. Like the crumbling asphalt our roads are paved with.

Or Mike’s insistence that our addiction to coal isn’t bad for us. Then there’s that continuing thing about how low Hoosier wages and salaries are compared with most other states, but hey! That’s good for business?

And speaking of business, what a boon that Religious Freedom Act turned out to be. Why, Mike had business leaders from all over the country sending him cards and letters. I guess there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Those “liberal plans to spend big” is worrying. Liberals have so much clout in this state. I’ve heard that at Liberal HQ, located in the basement of an artisanal cheese shop in Bloomington, there’s a lot of face-timing going on with like-minded operatives in Portland and Vermont about how to trick Hoosiers into accepting improved public services, better schools and healthy air and water.

That’s why Mike has the Koch Brothers as his own outside special interest group. To remind me/Jim who’s really in charge.

Not to mention Mike himself.

Me/Jim ready for a fight? Battle on!